We all know the age old saying “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” But, we also know that it isn’t that simple is it? When a loved one or someone you are close to inevitably says something hurtful it can be discouraging or even heart-wrenching; but it is how we respond that shows our true character or temperament. Be slow to anger, and quick to forgiveness.
“…character is the expression of the personality of a human being, and that it reveals itself in his conduct.” – Michael Maher Catholic Answers
We have all said something hurtful to one another, and for most people it wasn’t meant in the way that it comes out. Sometimes we regret the words as soon as they leave our lips and others we have no idea we were even being offensive. Harsh words are typically said when we try to help someone we care deeply about, or in a situation that affects something near and dear to our hearts. So the next time something is about to set you off, hold it in your heart and ponder it, as Mary pondered all things, before taking offense.
When faced with controversy, our reaction is based on our temperament. What do I mean by that? According to Modern Catholic Dictionary Temperament is the distinctive emotional, mental and affective qualities of each individual. A classical position holds that there are four types of temperaments (sanguine, choleric, melancholic & phlegmatic) in to which we all fall under. (Check out “The Temperament God Gave You” for more on those. It’s a great read!) Depending upon which temperament we have, that can change the way we naturally respond to different situations, like hurtful words from ones we love.
I have found that I am a solid sanguine, which in most situations is charismatic and confident… but in the heat of conflict, I am quick to react, impulsive and some times self-centered. With some self reflection, looking back, I can now see how all those characteristics came up with what I perceived has “hurtful words” or “harsh actions”. My reaction would be to defend, defend, defend. Mount Christina built up all of this pressure from perceived hurt that I tried to bury and a seemingly small offense would occur and BOOM! Anyone in the blast radius was fair game, anyone who had previously wronged me… poor (self centered) me. “How dare they say something so hurtful to me?!” I would replay in head over and over again with tear filled eyes. But the truth is, I was reacting incredibly impulsively, in disbelief that I had fallen short of perfection or let someone else down. Comprehension and understanding had all but gone out the window.
Instead of the volcano like eruption, I should have thought out the words said or actions done. Post apocalyptic explosion, after the damage was said and done (sometimes a LONG time down the road) the realization would come that… maybe that wasn’t how they meant that… maybe I mistook what they said… maybe just maybe they were trying to help or even just joking around?
With self reflection, comes self growth. To truly be a better person and become more Christ like, we have to start within. Jesus says, in Matthew 22:37-38 and Mark 12:29-30, that our greatest commandment is to love God fully and second is to love others. To love God fully, we must tend to his most beloved creation, ourselves and others. Love is essential and a form of love is strong communication. We should all strive to change the way we respond to others through personal growth. Other people are far beyond our control, but real self control comes when we counteract our natural responses with a positive resolution. Not all temperament characteristics are positive, but once we find out ours we can steer towards sainthood with small corrections. It has taken a lot of personal and spiritual growth and consistent practice (with many failures) to learn that I must ponder things in my heart, consider other perspectives and react with an open mind.
Did you check out The Temperament God Gave You? If so, also check out The Temperament God Gave Your Spouse to strengthen your marriage and create better communication in ways that works for both of you! There is also The Temperament God Gave Your Kids for parents out there raising a multitude of personalities and temperaments. These books help in all aspects of life from personal, spiritual and even professional.
Let us know your temperament in the comments! We’d love to hear what you’ve discovered about yourself or your family!
